2013:
Okay, so most you of know that last year I went through a dark period, one filled with depression, over a guy who was my former co-worker, w/ "baby mama drama". Once I broke it off with him, I went about the process of pulling myself out of the dump, or so I thought... I started going to therapy, and after a few sessions, I accepted the fact that he was bad for my health and heart. I knew that I had to ex-communicate with him, and not look back, but it literally felt impossible. The mere thought of severing all ties sent me into a panic. But “fine”, I told myself, “I’ve got to do what’s best for me”. I severed ties with ol’ boy, but simultaneously, I traded vices. I picked up smoking weed instead. (Now let me say this, I’m not knocking anyone who likes the herb, and it Is rather nice lol. However, if you’re using it to self-medicate, then it’s essential that you get to the underlying root of your problems. If you don’t, it will just come back to bite you in the ass—as my email will soon show/explain). So yeah, I started smoking weed. I got a medical marijuana card (“when in California...” lol), and started to light up, anytime the pain of the void my ex left, started to creep in. I smoked whenever I got stressed at work, anytime I felt the slight bit of pain over anything else in my life. It didn’t really bother me that I was self-medicating, because it felt a whole lot better than dwelling in my sorrows.
In addition to my newfound “appreciation” for the ganja, I did however make some positive changes in my life. I started focusing on music, and pursuing my acoustic passions and goals. In June, I began taking classes film scoring classes at UCLA, and realized that God’s calling for my life, lie in music.
Fast-Forward to the end of 2013:
Although I was blissfully happy about tapping into my passion for composing/music, I still felt a wee bit empty. I couldn’t bare the thought of being in LA anymore, yet I couldn’t quite pinpoint why I felt this way. I put a pause on my classes at UCLA, packed up my apartment and went back home to Atlanta to spend time with my family. This was the best thing I could have ever done. Before moving home, I literally felt unloved, and that if I was no longer on this Earth, the world wouldn’t care. Back at home, my family reminded me that I was loved, reminded me that I was surrounded by people who cared about me, valued and appreciated my existence. I stayed home through the rest of the year, but shortly after Christmas, another realization set itself upon my shoulders. It occurred to me that although I no longer felt empty, I felt incredibly numb. Once again, I couldn’t pinpoint why I felt this way. At this same point in life, this strange desire arose in me to tamper with recreational drugs, outside of marijuana. I began wanting to try molly, had this itching to test out the waters of xtc and MDMA. I was scheduled to start back classes at UCLA right after the new year, and although I had no desire to be back in LA, I felt like experimenting with drugs would somehow soften the blow. So, I began plotting. I would fly back to LA by New Year’s Eve, and bring in the new year with pure ecstasy (metaphorically and literally).
There was only one hole in my little plan. Ticket prices back to LA were stupid expensive. Damn. I was stuck in Atlanta for New Year’s. “How whack was that”, I thought to myself. “That’s okay though Nish, you’ll have plenty of time to experiment with drugs year-round in LA”, I told myself. I found an affordable ticket going back to LA on New Year’s Day (as opposed to leaving prior to this day, as I had originally hoped).
Fast-Forward to January 1st, 2014:
I was packing my bags to go back to LA, and the whole time, I was filled with a sense of regret. I began sobbing, dreading going back to the west coast. I started weeping for myself, because something in my spirit was telling me that I would die if I went back. The agony I felt was so bad, that the second I got in my parents’ car to go to the airport, my nose started gushing blood. Still, I ignored all of this day, and caught my flight back to LA. I cried myself to sleep on the plane, and landed in LA feeling more depressed than I had been in months prior.
2014:
My depression was back in full force. I withdrew from my quarter at UCLA, and cried myself to sleep, day in and out. I asked friends if they had any drug connects, and my desire to only tamper with molly, increased. Suddenly I wanted to try molly, and or cocaine. Cocaine however seemed quite hard to get a hold of, so I set my sights on ms. molly. I reached out to a friend of mine who I knew occasionally took molly. They bought a pill for me, and all I had to do was drive out to their place to get it. Fortunately for me though, they lived an hour away, and my spirits and funds were so low, that I mentally and fiscally, didn’t feel up to the trip. (God used even my depression to save me from myself.)
February 2014:
I went back to therapy, but was unable to open it to the new counselor I was seeing. My depression was getting worse, and all I thought about was death, leaving LA, drugs, leaving LA.
Valentine’s Day 2014:
Still depressed, I attempted to take my life. The sad irony is that hours before my attempt, Krista had posted in the groupme that she was helping out with a suicide hotline. I read the comments, said nothing about it, and later that evening, downed a slew of painkillers. It wasn’t a “real” suicide attempt though, I told myself, because minutes thereafter, I made myself throw up.
March – May 2014:
My depression didn’t seem like it was lifting, and I lost the desire to even want to get better. I prayed, went to church, journalled about my pain and asked God to take it away. I got so low, that I was physically unable to be around other people. I was filled with this sense of anxiety, like I wasn’t worthy of being around others, unworthy of living. My anxiety was affecting all of my relationships, and my work performance. In the midst of this time, God spoke to me in a vision. On April 25th, 2014, I woke up and wrote this in my journal: “God used my subconscious realm to speak a message loud and clear to me. Everything is going to be okay. My life is not over, and I will not suffer at the hands of drugs or suicide. I will live and thrive like never before [...] Thank you for the vision, Lord. Walk with me, as I break the chains on my spirit, and step out into what it is You have for me.”
Mid-May 2014
Even after the vision I received in April, the chains of bondage were still heavy on my life. You see, the Devil was determined to interfere with God’s calling on my life. On May 16th, I got fed up with my life, fed up with my inability to function around my co-workers and friends. I attempted suicide again. I took a sickening amount of extra strength Tylenol, and unlike the time before, I didn’t even attempt to throw them up. In the hours after, I lay in bed feeling like shit. In the wee hours of the morning, my body began involuntarily retching, to rid itself of the poison. I realized I needed help. I kept crying out to God, pleaded with him for a change. I begged Him to show me His love, asked Him to help me to receive His love.
From Mid-May Onward 2014
The pieces of my life slowly began to glue themselves back together. I saw God at work in different areas of my life. I began to see His love for me, although I wasn’t quite ready to accept it. He blessed me with opportunities I didn’t deserve, like working on a music/poetry show for TV One, and another show for BET. He began giving me the desire to live and prosper, to go from merely existing, to thriving and conquering. I continued going to church, and praying. I read self-help books, and began emerging from the clouds of darkness. I started back hanging with my friends, and made steps to make LA my home. I tried surfing, paddle boarding (ps. I live by the beach now), and saved up money to go back to school at UCLA.
Two Days Ago
I did something I’ve never done before. I worshipped and praised God for an hour on end. I saw how His hand has been at play in every single area of my life. I thanked Him for saving me from myself. I listened to Marvin Sapp’s song, “Never Would Have Made It”, and shook my head in wonder at what God had done. I went back and read all of the journal entries I had written since the start of the year, and realized I had been ministering and prophesying to myself without even knowing it. Two days ago, God spoke to me, and declared that the plans He has for me can Not and Will not be deterred by anyone or anything (not by me, not by LA, not by the world, and surely Not by the Devil).
My Plans for the Future:
To let God work. To continue in my walk with Him, to put my trust in Him, because only He can heal and fill the voids in my heart. ONLY He knows what is best for me. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord says, “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
School: I start back full-time in October, and complete the program in December of 2015. I’ll be building my portfolio, and composing day and night. Outside of schoolwork, I‘ll also be honing my piano skills, and scoring some projects a few of my friends are producing.
Love: I will continue to let God love on me. I will seek Him with all of my heart, and I Will continue on my journey of self-love.
Life: I am completely speechless at what He has done for me.
THIS IS MY TESTIMONY.
~Nish